Raven locks

I tried really hard to make you my muse , but my words failed me. I tried to bite through the pain your 'love' instilled in me, but I failed. I tried to look past the jump scares in our uncoordinated horror story ; I failed. I tried to unburden some of our choice encounters to my loved ones, but my body betrayed me. Some know a quarter of it, some a half. But no one knows the entirety. My throat clogs up when I think of you. My brain shuts down when I want to recollect "us. " Maybe there was never an "us," just you. I dreamt about you the other day; I woke up with a start. I relived a night in your claws in an interlude of my nap. Do you remember how I used to flinch away from your touch? Drift away in between "our" intimacy? Cry out loud to spare me a speck of kindness? The number of No's and then the strangled Yes that was coaxed out of me? Do you remember me curling on my bed with a pain that almost killed me? Do you remember taking me then ...

 Someone asked me why didn't it work out? If you were soo in love. I didn't have enough words to describe it. Because in the back of my head the thought that it didn't work out because I didn't let it work out haunted me. But we knew why it didn't.  Then I started the usual song and dance of how well it worked out. I remember love and what it was to be loved when I think of you. I remember my love for writing when I think of you. I remember falling in love with a language that I was soo familiar with in your love letters, poems and confessions to me. I remember reveling in the thrill of romance through the curve of your penmanship. I remember the thrum of my blood when your words used to jostle my brain cells with dopamine. I remember re-learning passion through your favourite topics. I remember you brimming with excitement seeing your favourite people.  I remember loving tea through the rim of your glasses, and then leaving it for occasions now because how dare it ...

The incidence of suicides are quite high in Kerala these days. Kids, youngsters, adults, everyone and anyone. Before I used to belive that there will be that one ounce of life that would want you back in the tomorrows of your loved ones. No matter what, you can hold on to that hope and return to it. But as I am growing old, the rose tinted glasses are fading to nothingness. Now that I think about the people who are giving up on themselves, I understand them. I understand where there desperation is coming from. But try to hold on, because if you don't, no one else will. It's the harsh truth of life. We went wrong when we chased our happiness in the fleeting smiles of the ones around us. When you are content with the smiles of your kith and kin, sometimes you fail to notice the child in you who never found themselves on the receiving end of that kindness. Try to be kind to oneself first, because when death tries to dilapidate the tough but easy going persona you created, that kin...

My earliest memory of my childhood was my fourth birthday. When life was confined in a rose-tinted herbarium, and smiles were less forced. I remember going around and calling everyone around my house for my cake-cutting. I just started school and was all hyped up to take sweets to my classroom and share them with the rikshaw uncle who used to take me to school. I remember being particular about my navy blue romper dress and white vest. However, I forgot one small thing, i.e., to let my mother and father know there would be guests for my birthday. When the evening rolled in, and my perfectly iced plum cake was lit with four colorful candles, my mom almost lost it when she saw another twenty people with wide smiles standing in front of the house. Age was never a matter. I introduced all of them as my friends in my 4-year-old innocence. Even if she wanted to pull her hair out, she embraced me with all the love in the world and sang happy birthday to me while my father beamed behind his ca...

I have been meaning to write this for a long time now, but couldn't find the right time. So what better than the pride month? In the light of all the shitty things happening to my friends and loved ones I cannot help but ask people who torment them for reasons that are not even in their control, What is your problem?  Let's start with ' coming out '  From a very young age we are all taught to not steal things from others. (Oh spoiler alert!! You should do the same when you grow up to the shitty person that you are now too) This is applicable to the rights and choices of a person too. In respecting their personal space and their choice of time and person and place to communicate their thought. I mean wouldn't you feel threatened if those rights are taken away from you? Wouldn't you feel betrayed if your own best friends fuck you over by stripping you off your rights and exposing you to a world that you are not ready to face?  Hah you wouldn't know because you...

It was easy to love her. It still is. But to love me it was not but when she did I thought for once I was enough. Too good to be true. Not her fault. Never her fault. Not mine either I guess. Like the 'usual' I am trying to find something to blame stuffs to because I dont want to put the blame on either of us. What am I even doing? What am i even writing? This is all a haze to me. But baby just so you know you were and are and ever will be the best love. But that's okay. How can I not write about you? When  you were my ink and paper and words for a long long time. And I will revisit all my pages till the amber of light embers away.