I tried really hard to make you my muse , but my words failed me. I tried to bite through the pain your 'love' instilled in me, but I failed. I tried to look past the jump scares in our uncoordinated horror story ; I failed. I tried to unburden some of our choice encounters to my loved ones, but my body betrayed me. Some know a quarter of it, some a half. But no one knows the entirety. My throat clogs up when I think of you. My brain shuts down when I want to recollect "us. " Maybe there was never an "us," just you. I dreamt about you the other day; I woke up with a start. I relived a night in your claws in an interlude of my nap. Do you remember how I used to flinch away from your touch? Drift away in between "our" intimacy? Cry out loud to spare me a speck of kindness? The number of No's and then the strangled Yes that was coaxed out of me? Do you remember me curling on my bed with a pain that almost killed me? Do you remember taking me then ...
Someone asked me why didn't it work out? If you were soo in love. I didn't have enough words to describe it. Because in the back of my head the thought that it didn't work out because I didn't let it work out haunted me. But we knew why it didn't. Then I started the usual song and dance of how well it worked out. I remember love and what it was to be loved when I think of you. I remember my love for writing when I think of you. I remember falling in love with a language that I was soo familiar with in your love letters, poems and confessions to me. I remember reveling in the thrill of romance through the curve of your penmanship. I remember the thrum of my blood when your words used to jostle my brain cells with dopamine. I remember re-learning passion through your favourite topics. I remember you brimming with excitement seeing your favourite people. I remember loving tea through the rim of your glasses, and then leaving it for occasions now because how dare it ...
The incidence of suicides are quite high in Kerala these days. Kids, youngsters, adults, everyone and anyone. Before I used to belive that there will be that one ounce of life that would want you back in the tomorrows of your loved ones. No matter what, you can hold on to that hope and return to it. But as I am growing old, the rose tinted glasses are fading to nothingness. Now that I think about the people who are giving up on themselves, I understand them. I understand where there desperation is coming from. But try to hold on, because if you don't, no one else will. It's the harsh truth of life. We went wrong when we chased our happiness in the fleeting smiles of the ones around us. When you are content with the smiles of your kith and kin, sometimes you fail to notice the child in you who never found themselves on the receiving end of that kindness. Try to be kind to oneself first, because when death tries to dilapidate the tough but easy going persona you created, that kin...
ഓർമിക്കുവാൻ ഞാൻ നിനക്ക് എന്തു നൽകണം.. ഓർമിക്കണം എന്ന വാക്കു മാത്രം..
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