icarus

It's like falling from some safe space. Any safe space or a mindset. It's very draining. My whole day will be uneventful even if it is eventful I cannot make myself to think it to be one. Lying down on a rug would help me be sane for the day but ofcourse living with your family includes the perks of compromising your personal space. I know the 'they love you they care for you' argument very well. They do. I am not saying they don't. But leaving me alone for sometime with no questions would be ecstatic for my 3 am ready for another anxiety attack mind. But the fact that your people never try to understand you is painful. Me telling my mum that I am getting depressed or I am going nuts and  she will be like dont act like this you are just making up shit. Wow I mean the woman who gave birth to me cannot get me then whom do I expect to? Sure some very precious people in my life does get me. But again there is this conscience of being a nuisance to others that weigh down my shoulders eventhough I know that they will never ever think about me like that. My state pisses off my siblings even my partner. They plane accuse of me not giving them attention. I don't even have anything to give myself how can I give you anything?  Then saying that you grew up you grew apart all these years is absurd!  You are supposed to grow up as your age demands! you cannot be your stupid eighteen year old love smitten self. It's hard to smile it's hard to talk it's hard to fucking breathe. People can say you are dense and throw in their judging fuckery for all I care. I envy people who can cry when they want. Two seconds away from a breakdown I am forced to think about the situations that it will take me. It's exhausting. It's tiring. I wish it was thundering outside. Knowing atleast something is unruly and as disturbed as my head would help me breathe through this.

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