ode to my first love.

We are such fucked up people! don't you think? Yes we are. We had no start neither a closure and I don't even know if we had an end. We just used eachother to fuck our loneliness out. I know not literally Darling but whatever we did we did it with full conciousness of two grown up adults who loves acting oblivious and stupid. Every single time we made it sure though that we didn't mean anything more than the 'title' we shared in the society. More or less you made it clear to me and I know you don't feel nothing about me. I know you think that I am some naive kid who is sexually frustrated and maybe 'easy' enough for you to prod in on your beck and call. Ignore whenever you want and seek me whenever you please. I cant blame you because you haven't seen me what I am with others neither do you have a single freaking clue on what I am to you. Oh I am nothing to you isn't it? I know. You make that clear for me every day.  And still I come back to the hell hope I created for myself.  Dont get me wrong I am the happiest when I talk to you. You have no idea. But soon after our conversation the disgust I feel for myself for being this stupid around you cringes me. I dont know if you are doing it on purpose or not. It's just plain painful. But that's the thing with any feeling that is unrequited right? It's like a raindrop on a lily bed. Never sticks on. It just slides down and gets lost in the water. Just like I am one of them around the many. Saying all these I try to understand you. I know I cannot make you feel anything for me. But the confusions that you instill in me ebbs me to death. I really really want to talk that out on your face but cant because I am a fool like that. And I am sorry I feel for you.  I will try my best to feel sorry till I turn to ashes in someone's fire.

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